Oh dear oh dear. It’s with a long face and a furrowed brow that we bring you the latest on a worrying, worrying trend spreading through Hollywood like mould on week-old bread. Unsolicited beard growth. Yep, hitherto unfeasibly fit male stars and the objects of plenty a daydream have been quietly sprouting away, cultivating their chin gardens, without ANY encouragement from us girls, and we for one won’t stand for it any longer. Oh no.

First Brad, with his straggly, grey-flecked facial shrubbery (although since today we know he might have been under quite a lot of strain recently) but still. He’s one of the highest paid actors in the world. There’s little excuse for going round looking like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King.

Then Georgio Cloonio ‘loses his razor’ down the back of the sink and starts ambling round looking like he’s either discovered an extreme religious sect or forgotten what mirrors are for.

John Hamm at the Golden Globes was enough to get us thinking we might start a Facebook campaign, but while we were trying to decide whether we preferred ‘Banish Bristles!’ ‘Ban Beards!’ or ‘Bring Back Smooth Chins!’ we spotted Robert Pattison ambling around looking like THIS! And we instantly saw through his plot.

Hmmm. Pattison, eh? Isn’t he notoriously shy and relentlessly pursued by oestrogen-crazed women who mistakenly think they’re allowed to grapple him just because they’ve seen him pretending to be a vampire at the cinema . . . ? And now he’s appeared sporting an unflattering, face-obscuring section of brush? Coincidence? We don’t think so.

But the rest of you: no excuses. Those faces need defoliating and the fuzz has to go. After all, it’s not like a woman in Hollywood would ever be allowed to strut around with fully-furred footballer’s legs, now is it? The very idea!