Mary Portas One Life: Over To You
Every week in Grazia, Mary Portas listens to one reader's life dilemma and gives her honest, straight-talking advice. Today, it's your turn to help out Grazia reader Maria. She's had a tough time of late and been, understandably, putting her mother and husband first. Now she's got time to focus on herself -- how can she do this? And stop feeling guilty?
‘I’ve made sacrifices for my family – how can I get my life back?’
Last year I made the difficult decision to put my mother into a care home after she’d been living with me for a decade (I gave up my job as a PA in the fashion industry when she first became ill with Alzheimer’s). But when my husband was diagnosed with cancer last year, I realised that I couldn’t keep looking after everyone and Mum needed better care than I could give her. My husband is well now and my mum is content in her new home, but I’m finding it hard to know what to do with myself. I’ve tried looking for work but my confidence has been really knocked and as much as I know I need something for myself, I just can’t seem to find it.
Maria, 45, Birmingham
Want to talk to Mary? Just drop us a line at graziafeatures@graziamagazine.co.uk and let us know what's bothering you. It can be on anything from relationships to family life or issues with your friends. You can remain anonymous so what's stopping you?
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- Oh Maria - my heart goes out to you.
It's all well and good being an emotional support, but sometimes you need to be able to take a little bit back as well. Being selfless and giving up your job, was clearly, what you needed to do. Alzheimer's is a condition that needs constant attention. And then your husband's illness on top - you must have been drained by the end of this.
Don't leap right back into things.
Take small steps that will make you remember what you were good at and why. Apply for some part time jobs - you will be physically exhausted as well as emotionally, so part time will suit you. Something where you can just 'be' during the day, have some time for you and not be emotionally needed.
Every time I have gone through something emotional like this I have found myself at the gym - bizarrely the only time in my life I am ever fit is when I am having a trauma. It's because I need time to be alone. Try it - if only for the sauna and the fact you can hit things legitimately! An hour of getting fit and then another sitting in a sauna with your eyes closed is heaven when stressed.
Don't feel you have to rush back to work.
Being the person who is ill is terrible - but being the one who has to carry everyone else can be equally hard. Give yourself time to gather yourself back together.
Be safe
Mel xxx
elsiee - I think you need to do something sociable you'll enjoy. A lot of colleges start new night school courses come January. Why not choose a subject which will interest you. I did criminology a few years ago and really enjoyed it.
Also, don't shoot the poster, but my Mum is in the W.I. and I was reading in her free newsletter how it is attracting much younger members now, and how supportive they find the groups, because the older members have a wealth of life experience to pass on. You might think they're a lot of old crusties (apologies to any seniors reading this), but a lot of them will have lived through various traumas and coped with far more than friends your own age.
I agree with elsiee too...going to the gym is therapeutic. Exercise releases lots of feel good chemicals (endorphins) and helps you feel tons better in yourself. If you lose weight and can get into a smaller dress size...even better!
quirkyone
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