04 August 2009 at 14:22
So are men struggling to 'have it all' too?
It's a debate we've all weighed in on. And read a hundred surveys about... In 2009, is it possible for a woman to juggle a demanding job, strong relationship and be a great mum – all at the same time? Whatever your feelings – whether you think something has to give or we deserve the lot – it's certainly a topic we can all relate to. Well, now men are getting involved, and saying they're also feeling the pressure too. In this week's Grazia, broadcaster and journalist Sam Delaney explains how he struggles to be the perfect partner, dad and breadwinner. He says life for men now is so much harder than it was in his dad's day when guys could 'just focus on getting to work, then coming home by seven to tuck the kids up in bed and sit down for a hearty dinner that had already been prepared' by their wives. Modern dads now have to share the childcare and housework duties as well as work. So what do you think? Are men moaning just because they're finally getting a glimpse into our hectic lifestyles? Or do we need them to help out and openly talk about this, so we can work out a balance? Let us know...
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- Male of female, having it all is just a ridiculous dream. Even if we lived lives that did have it all we would still be chasing that bigger something. Righyly so because achievements and challenges is what makes up life.
I think it's more a question of who has the most expectations - the male or the female? I still think female because they are naturally bigger worriers than men. In this climate change it is fair to say that we - both males and females - are all struggling but the females will always be the bigger worriers.
delovelylou - "Sex" doesn't come into the equation. It is a falacy you can 'have it all' - yes, you can come close if you work hard, as a partnership, together, with the support of your work, family and friends. BUT, this is no mean feat. Men increasingly need to be be the 'breadwinner' as well as a good 'daddy' and husband. Women, equally, should loose any trace of baby weight within minutes (thank you 'celebrity'), have a great career, be 'sexy', capable and a wonderful mother. Anyone with half a brain can see that eventually, this 'have it all' mindset will not work. Sadly, we are a generation who were brought up to believe that we can 'have it all', but the reality is, this takes hard work, effort and determination. Yes, you can, but be prepared to work very, very, hard. Something will ultimately have to give.
mrsm - I agree with everyone else.
It has nothing to do with gender.
You have to choose what you want from life. Is it your job or your children that mean more?
Quite simply you have to make that choice and then concentrate on the descion you have made.
It is quote impossible to have a high flying career, to be there for parents day, sports day, the PTA meetings, nativity plays, pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, make their schoollunches, listen to their worries about school and to give a top job your full attention as well.
A great deal of this has to be laid at the media's door.
We place a great deal of store at what we 'should' be achieving thanks to what we are fed by newspapers, magazines, TV programmes and random celebrities who adopt 4 children and have back up teams of nannies, hairdressers stylists and copious divorces.
We truly believe that unless we earn £50K plus each / year, and weigh below our BMI, unless our kids take minimum 10 GCSEs etc we have failed.
What we don't take into account is our own happiness and peace of mind - or indeed that of our children.
I have more friends than I can count who have turned into the 'Fast Show' Competitive Dad and are miserable, exhausted and heading for the divorce courts faster than you can say - let's have another baby.
It is nothing to do with gender and all to do with keeping up with the Jolie-Pitts.
It's shameful.
When did we stop being happy with our own lives and start envying others?
elsiee - I had to laugh reading this insufferably smug article. How exactly is Sam Delaney 'having it all'? He's chosen a career where he makes his own hours, yet he still leaves his daughter with a childminder for 8 hours a day every day so he can work (except sometimes on Fridays, apparently, which presumably - and probably not coincidentally - is the same day his wife has off each week). So, basically, the only difference between him and most other working dads is that he's the one who picks up and drops the kid off with the childminder. Big wow - it's actually quite sexist that he appears to think that removing this responsibility from his wife is such a big deal! (And how lucky is she that he 'lets' her go out after work sometimes?!)
So perhaps someone can explain, are men who 'have it all' ones who spend time with their kids instead of expecting them to be presented to them for ten minutes after bathtime in their best clothes like Victorian fathers? Because that's most fathers I know - including my own husband - but unlike Sam Delaney, none of them think there's anything out of the ordinary about this - or feel the need to write an article bragging about it.
Squidsin - I have to say I agree with Squidsin on this one. I think this guy Sam comes across as quite young (his age isn't mentioned)... ie still a lad who has ended up with a lot on his plate at a young age which he seems to resent. Perhaps people should be a bit more grateful for the things they've got instead of complaining about it? All you guys who are moaning about juggling in order to have it all - what about those of us with nothing to juggle? No sparkling career, no other half, no kids... That's my situ anyway and I would bite off your arm to have a bustling family life and a demanding job to fit in somewhere. Then there are people who really do have nothing, and they can only dream of luxuries such as childminders and working from home. Life's hard Sam, sure, but from where I'm sitting you seem to have it pretty good. So stop whingeing and enjoy it!
SassyJ - Modern life is stressful no one can deny that but honestly Sam, I have never read such self indulgent, poor me tripe. Why shouldn't men help out with the housework and child-minding. After all bringing a child into work is a joint decison and if both parents go out to work then that's the least a man can do.
fashionrat - OH. MY. GOD! What a load of claptrap! I can't believe Sam Delaney is actually whinging about the fact that he gets to see his daughter so much! So many men would kill to spend even half the amount of time with their kids as he does. The worry about whether you are being the perfect partner, father and being able to bring in the dosh all at once is something that todays woman does (without whinging about it) without thinking about it.
But, I don't see how you, in your situation actually are worrying about that... you make your own hours, and send your kid off to a childminder, you have the perfect situation! And you still get to see you child more than your wife! Why not think about her for a while, and ask her how she is coping...
As for the fact that you have to share the housework, and the childcare duties, as well as work, boo hoo, poor little you, women have been doing this for a very long time. You say that your fathers generation had it so much easier than you, well, welcome to equality! What is so wrong about sharing everything straight down the middle? Grow up Sam!
EddieEddie - Working women, working mothers, good or bad?
There are 2 different issues that have to be treated distinctly: (1) working mothers and (2) women who make more money than their men. Since I make more money than my man, I will stay clear of issue (2) because I am bias, but I can dive into issue (1) since I am neutral as I don't have kids yet.
Fact: Women work, all over the world, and they have always worked. In rural areas – which was most of the world, only a few hundred years ago! And is still a huge chunk of the world today – women work. While men do the physical stuff (work the filed, harvest) women play pivotal roles feeding animals, milking cows, selling produces at markets, etc. Working is not an "option" for the majority of women in the world and I dont' believe it is the real issue, the issue is “who should look after the kids?!?”. Here, we get into the very uncomfortable land of guilt, because… we all know the answer, that's the job of the elders! The “elders” who by the way are not necessarily THAT old in societies where people have kids at age 20, stay home and educate the next generation. We have decided in “modern society” to have kids much later so our parents are older. Furthermore, we prefer to store our elders in retirement homes than having them at home with us, passing on valuable knowledge to their grand children, with more love and patience than any 19 year sold au-pair could ever demonstrate. I believe that this decision to split from the older generation is a joint decision between men and women, and today we are simply facing the consequences. Let's not blame, let's assume.
Marion, 36, London
marioncecile - most of us can't Have it all! its a fact. ALL parents need help and support working or non-working. This is why health visitors,DR.s nurses, grandparents, friends, neighbours and MEN need to make their kids a priority. I'm sorry but i just don't get the impression a lot do!
voiceit
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