When I got my first proper journalism job at Bliss magazine, I was incredibly excited about working for a magazine with a proper problem page. I was (and am) obsessed with agony aunts and advice columns, partly because of a lingering prurience - problem pages always had the best sex stuff - and partly because they taught me so much about the way we think and what we fear.
Some of the letters were about having hairy nipples, but lots were about relationship issues, family problems, difficult friends and confidence crises. Everything you’d expect to hear from teen readers, but also everything I wanted the answer to for myself, as a woman in her twenties. I don’t think we ever grow out of problem pages, and at 30 I still have more questions than answers. However, I learned a few things from the wise experts and readers back at Bliss, and I’m looking forward to passing them on.
Email: deardaisy@graziamagazine.co.uk, tweet me @graziauk or facebook me at Grazia UK with #DearDaisy and I will answer your questions! (Unless it’s to do with laundry. I am useless at that.)
Dear Daisy,
**Recently I’ve been trying to be more assertive and stand up for myself a little more, in a range of situations, so I don’t just end up bursting into tears at inappropriate moments. **
How do you deal with it when someone won’t accept what you’ve said, even if it took a lot of guts for you to say? How can you trust your feelings and know whether or not it’s the right time to be assertive?
Thank you!
Sophie
Dear Sophie,
I am so glad you’ve asked me that! I’ve spent years convinced that there’s a magic combination of words and tone that you use when you’re telling someone you have a problem with something they’ve done, which will immediately make them say ‘You’re absolutely right! I will go away and fix this immediately! I am so sorry for making things difficult!’
Sadly, there isn’t.
This is all about confidence and emotion, specifically how strong emotion makes us question our confidence. The right time to be assertive is when we care about the outcome of something. This is usually when we’re emotionally charged, and there’s a long and crappy history of people - women especially - having their ideas and opinions dismissed because they’re being ‘emotional’, which is really just another word for passionate. It’s hard to be assertive when we care, even if the thing we care about is that we are still liked and loved at the end of the conversation.
We’re dealing with potentially infinite sets of feelings and egos. Yours, and those of the people who are on the receiving end of your assertiveness. No-one likes to hear criticism, or any feedback that might make them feel slighted or foolish, which is why assertiveness can be misinterpreted as aggression. When people feel criticised, they become defensive. The fact that you’re asking the question at all suggests that you’re sensitive and empathetic. You know how horrible it can feel when people act as though their demands and desires take precedence over yours, and you’re determined to find a win win, where you can feel tall without making anyone else feel small.
It’s so hard to do, but the best place to start is by separating people and feelings from facts and action. If you’re standing up to someone because they have done something to upset you, it’s unlikely that they did it on purpose. Your objective is to criticise the deed, and make sure it’s clear that you’re not criticising them.
I recently had to be assertive when a potential client was negotiating budgets with me and offered me less than half my quoted rate. I said no, and spent the rest of the afternoon chewing the cuff of my jumper and crying ‘Oh my God, they hate me, I’ll never work again. WHY WAS I ASSERTIVE!?’ But no-one hated anyone - it was just a case of numbers not adding up. Just because the client wasn’t able to pay me what I’m worth didn’t mean that I should value myself any less.
Being assertive means taking a big risk. You could avoid it forever and know that you’ll never get what you want, but you’ll never piss anyone off, either. Plenty of people live like this. Or you could see it as the scariest self improvement project you ever took on. Unless you’re a professional hypnotist or an evil headmaster from a scary book, there is no way you can force anyone to do what you want. But every time you ask, you’re practising, and constructing a self that is taken seriously by others.
Practically, you need a few phrases in your arsenal to steer a conversation back to neutral ground. If someone responds to your words with a charged ‘Well, what about the time you were late/drunk/angry?’ it’s not about you, it means you’ve touched a nerve and they feel victimised. Try smiling blandly and saying ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, and I’d like to discuss that another time. But for now, I’d like to keep talking about this thing.’ If they lash out or dismiss you immediately, it doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause. In fact, it’s more likely that your words are going to stay in their head. Because our thoughts and hurt feelings have usually been brewing for some time, we forget that our words might be a surprise to the person who needs to hear them. People say funny things when they’re surprised.
True assertiveness doesn’t shout - it’s you quietly knowing your worth, and relaxing into the idea that the world will take you at your own estimation. Deep breaths will help a bit, as does a low voice - and trying (and I find this hard!) not to qualify your statements with ‘I think’ or ‘I feel’, so your case comes off as a set of facts, not pleas. We’re all frighteningly fragile, and spend so much time living in our own heads that we can’t quite believe that everyone else is just as damaged as we are. Kindness, not assertiveness is the true superpower, the fire that should light every life changing torch paper. Be kind and compassionate to yourself, and believe that you deserve what you’re asking for. Be kind to the people who you’re standing up to by remembering that if their unconscious actions have hurt you in the past, someone else probably hurt them first.
Love,
Daisy