Our initial thought upon seeing this picture was, ‘wow Amber Rose has really outdone herself.’ Until we realised that it’s actually Kelis, whose wacky weirdness we have long, er, respected but it seems she's fallen foul of the fashion Gods recently. Arriving at last night's First Annual Data Awards dressed in a rather surreal ensemble, the songstress resembled Narnia’s Mr Tumnus crossed with Mel B circa 1996. Look love, we know your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard but what will they think when they get there and you’re wearing THIS?! And then we spotted those shoes, which really topped it. So although we did try to get our heads around this outfit, ultimately we're lost for words. Where to begin, for starters? Consequently, we decided to tackle this step by step (or rather head to hoof) with handy bullet points. Do pay attention...
- Rule one: save yourself the trouble of taking last year’s Christmas decorations back to the attic. Just do like Kelis does and decorate your head with them.
- Although we appreciate she’s joined the grey hair tribe (and how lovely that her silver eyeshadow matches), we just can’t forgive the ankle-length plait complete with scraggy curtain tassel (although it would be IDEAL for playing pin the tail on the donkey at the after-party). Repeat after us: Avatar is NOT real life.
- Those sharp metallic horns make us wonder whether the Statue of Liberty will become the new inspiration for next season’s hair accessories... Yeah, probably not.
- What is going on with that nose ring attached to chains attached to ears? Don’t try this at home kids, it could cause a nasty accident.
- The feathery eyelashes resemble eagle’s wings and, as such, are really freaking us out. Besides, no one told us that eye-moustaches are back in.
- Ok, the cut-out latex jumpsuit complete with fish scales on the tummy is beyond analysis. Plus, when viewed from this angle, the eye is immediately drawn to the crotch area which, quite frankly, is making us wince. Camel toe, anyone?
- At least she’s managed to retain an inch of dignity courtesy of a black tailcoat, adding a dash of circus ring master to the mix. Well, when you've come this far, why not?
- The overriding question is how on earth did she get into this?! A bottle of baby oil? Maybe a shoe horn or three? Or perhaps just a lot of talcum powder? The mind boggles.
- Giving Daphne Guinness a (very clompy) run for her fashion kudos, Kelis is only the second person we’ve seen actually wearing these hoof-like creations on the red (or in this case, afro turf) carpet. As much as we love McQueen’s ingenious Armadillo shoes, when teamed with the rest of the ensemble, it’s all a bit too much... At least Gaga would be proud (or seriously jealous).
- Matching your shoes to your jumpsuit, let alone your lipstick, is not advisable. Ever. Who wants pearlescent shoes anyway?
- We have a hunch Kelis may be having a hellish morning-after-the-night-before moment today, especially considering the rest of the event’s guests (including Fergie and Mena Suvari) stuck to the all-black dress code and looked like this:
Kelis, we salute your tenacity. And strongly suggest you purchase a full length mirror. Like, now.
- Jessica Vince