Valentine's Day is fast-approaching and if you're in a relationship, well done you. But do single people actually care about V-Day? Laurence Mozafari reveals the tell-tale signs that you might care more than you think...
1. Having an Anti-Valentine's Day Day
Because nothing says "over it" better than preserving the most romantic day of the year (every year) to specifically do non-romantic things. "Nah, I'm just going to have a quiet one, get some work done, go to the gym and incinerate a lock of my ex's hair in a bin."
2. Getting unnecessarily angry at friends for dropping out...
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE PULLING OUT OF THE PIZZA PARTY?! I can't very well have a solo pizza party. That would just be depressing. I don't CARE if he proposed..."
3. Using it as the focal point of your calendar
Marginally worse than saying Y2K+13 and calling December 23rd, Christmas Eve Eve is using Valentine's Day as a measuring stick for the rest of the month. "When does that chicken go out of date?" "Oh, two days after Valentines."
4. Getting abnormally spruced up for a day at work
Heels? Check. Extra make-up? Check. Fabulous mane of mega-hair? Check. Well, you never know, today might be the day that Pablo, the exotic sandwich man, cheekily slips his number into your ham sarnies.
5. You referred to February as the "Month Of Love"
(See also: calling it the highlight of "Cupid's Calendar" or seasonal end to "Winter Wuv")
That's right, the romantic monster has now mutated into a whole month. Saying this is marginally forgivable if you work in PR - and are desperately trying to push a bargain bin perfume into a month-long gift guide for clueless men. But in reality, February isn't the month of love; it's the month pale, cash-strapped people, break their New Year's resolutions and become tubby, while under a blanket of snow.
6. You work at Clinton Cards
Who sends cards anymore? Facebook has surely killed off 80% of the birthday card market - a wall post at 11:59 PM on your birthday is just as good as an actual card, right? Plus, you can buy Christmas cards in bulk. So what's left? Valentine's Day of course. The bigger the cards, the better - people buying those massive, impractical red cards and a stuffed teddy for good measure is probably the only thing keeping Clinton's staff fed and watered.
7. Checking your ex's relationship status on Facebook
It's either a case of Schadenfreude: "Good, he's still single. Well, if I feel this miserable, he must be reeaaaallly miserable." Or if he's found someone: "Oh brilliant, he's met someone. Great. He's gone and shacked up with an evil witch. Well, that's just lovely - let's just hope she eats their evil demon babies."
Or, worst case scenario: "It's complicated? What exactly is complicated? Who is he being complicated with?" *Begins to check recently tagged pictures for suspects*.
8. You sent a text to that guy
Sure, he got drunk, tried it on and said you shoud pay for dinner, all within ten minutes of the date starting. But hey, people change. And look, he has changed... his hair. Good enough, right?
9. Using free sign up offers for dating sites
"No, I'm not actually using it, I'm just browsing for a laugh. Gosh, look at him. He looks like a rotund Ryan Gosling in the right light, and what's that? He's only 30 miles away. Well, it would be rude not to send him a wink - we're practically neighbours! Hmm, maybe I should send a virtual gift as well, something low-key, yes, this scented, chocolate love pigeon ought to do nicely."