30 July 2014

'I Caught My Friend's Boyfriend On Tinder'

It’s the ultimate quandary: what do you do if you know your friend’s boyfriend is cheating? For Lucy, 28, discovering her friend’s other half on dating app Tinder meant an agonising choice – and the end of their seven-year friendship 

It was a quiet night in and, over a couple of glasses of wine, I flicked idly through Tinder to see if anyone caught my eye. Suddenly, I saw him, pint glass in hand, looking handsome and relaxed. I hoped I was imagining things, but there was no mistaking it – even without his name and location, which he hadn’t even bothered to change – there was my best friend Laura’s boyfriend.

Laura and I had hit it off the moment we met through work seven years ago. Despite being pretty, a highly successful accountant, bubbly and fun, she’d had bad luck with men. We’d spend alcohol-fuelled evenings commiserating the pitfalls of being single and encouraging each other’s internet- dating exploits.

But while I felt relatively relaxed about finding a boyfriend in due course, for Laura it was a major concern. She’s a few years older than me, in her early thirties, and as time passed I could see she was increasingly eager to get married and have children. So I was delighted when she met James* on Match.com. From the start, she was smitten.

An entrepreneur a couple of years older than her, James seemed to have it all: looks, money, confidence and charm. Most importantly, he seemed equally bowled over by her, sending her flowers and telling her she was his perfect woman. That is, until the warning signs started to appear.

After they’d been together for a few months, when she logged into her Match. com profile to deactivate it, she noticed James had been using the site again. She confronted him, but he shrugged it off, saying he’d only logged on to shut down his profile. Then came the periods of radio silence from him, often lasting a few days, which left her hurt and confused – previously he’d been in touch constantly, yet now he seemed to be picking her up and dropping her at will. She was devastated and called me many times in tears, asking for my advice about what to do. She wanted to settle down with James, hoping he was The One, but at the same time she knew he was treating her badly.

Dating sites and apps are more popular than ever - but can you always be sure you're meeting other singles?

I tried to be supportive without telling her point-blank to walk away, encouraging her to trust her instincts and to consider that if she had suspicions he was being unfaithful so early on in the relationship, what would she be feeling further down the line? She listened, but continued seeing him. I worried for her, but reasoned that she must know what she was doing.

I was invited to meet James over dinner. I noted how good-looking he was, with undoubted charisma. He showered us both with compliments and kept the drinks flowing. He listened intently and had us laughing at his witty anecdotes. But as Laura gazed adoringly at him, I found myself wondering if he wasn’t a bit too charming. I couldn’t help but think he fitted a little too neatly into the stereotypical mould of a player.

I tried to shrug off the feeling, until spotting him on Tinder removed any doubts. The moment I saw him, I felt sick. It was bad enough that he was on a site known for casual hook-ups, but the fact that he’d used his real name and linked his profile to his real Facebook account felt like he didn’t even care if anybody caught him. His arrogance took my breath away.

For days, I agonised over whether to tell Laura. I summoned the courage to let her know I had something important to say, and we arranged a time to meet. I tried to be as gentle as I could and to let her know that I was only telling her out of concern. I told her I would support whatever decision she made. Then I took a deep breath and said: ‘James is on Tinder.’

She burst into tears, which made me feel terrible. All she said was, ‘Are you sure?’ When I said yes, she just picked up her stuff and walked out in silence. I didn’t hear from her over the following days, despite sending several concerned texts. As the days turned into weeks and she still wouldn’t answer my calls or reply to my messages, I realised, in total shock, that she had cut me off.

That was three months ago, and we haven’t spoken since – despite my constant efforts. I can see from Facebook that she’s still with James; posting romantic photos on a mini-break to Rome. I’m angry that she would choose a man over our friendship, particularly as I hadn’t even suggested she dump him. All I was trying to do was be a friend, but it backfired spectacularly.

Beyond my own feelings, though, I’m worried for her. I suspect it was James who persuaded her to drop me, and I fear he’s behaving like emotionally abusive men often do, separating her from her friends to make her easier to control. I’d love to think she’ll come to her senses and realise she deserves so much better than a man she can’t trust
to be faithful. But even if she’s still with him, I hope she comes back to me – because although I hope I’m wrong, I have a strong feeling that the time will come when she’ll really need my support.

- As told to Polly Dunbar

 So, would you have done the same as Lucy? Let us know at feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk 

*Names have been changed. Photos posed by models. Main photo: Scope beauty. 

Tags:

Comments

All posts must obey the house rules, if you object to any comments please let us know and we'll take the appropriate action.

Helen Morgan (Thu Jul 31 00:14:01 BST 2014): My Name is Helen Morgan, From United Kingdom. I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this spiritual doctor called Dr Aigbehi has just done for me, this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, I was married to this man called Morgan we were together for a long time and we loved ourselves but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until I saw a testimony about this same doctor on the internet on how he has cured so many disease and help people with other similar problems, then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell and in two days after he told me that he was through with the spell work my lost husband came back with more love in his eyes, and after a month I miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby Boy, he said I will also get pregnant again if I wish to thank you once again the great doctor for what you have done for me, if you are out there searching for any of these spells or healing: (1)Spell for protection from danger (2)Spell for magic (3)Spell for same sex love (4)Spell for healing diseases (5)Spell for invisibility (6)Spell for riches and fame (7)Spell to get a good job (8)Spell for strong love and relationship (9)Spell to bring your ex back (10)Spell to become pregnant (11)Spell for HIV cure You can contact this great doctor on his email draigbehi@gmail.com and get all your problems solved.....