A grudgingly fond BYE, then, to 2012. Grudgingly not because New Year's Eve isn't often wicked, or at the least eventful, but because this year you will be a whole year older. To celebrate the ageing process, the very funny Vivian Raisins (@a_Raisins) has given us 21 signs you know you're becoming a boring adult. Soz.
1. Construct your emotional life around approaching, and then being, 30.
2. Ruin the evening’s drinking by introducing the black stormcloud of “getting some food”.
3. Banter with the taxi driver.
See also: Banter with the ticket inspector. Banter with the 'catering staff' handing out wine.
4. Take against Mad Men or The Wire.
5. Love ukeleles...
...and find infinite amusement and untold joy in their application to anything not commonly associated with the ukelele. For example a hip hop song - performed on the ukelele!!
6. Falsify a childhood fear of clowns.
It was actually dogs/balloons.
7. Refer to anything you found boring as X amount of time “I’ll never get back”.
8. Refer to popular music as a ‘guilty pleasure’.
Act like there was a time when it was taboo to like pop music and express relief that we can all admit that we like pop music these days.
9. Express your deep desire to watch some “crap telly”.
In fact, call all the television you watch “crap telly”, despite the fact that you enjoy watching it.
10. Say “man-flu”, and use 'man' as a prefix as often as possible.
This is good because it reinforces gender stereotypes. P.S. I honestly heard a person on the bus saying “man-tears”, which made me want to cry (until I remembered that my tears would be “man-tears”, and then I felt silly and slightly grotesque, so I resolved to bottle it all up for 30 years and then have an affair).
11. If it isn’t part of your normal vocabulary, all of a sudden say “tatties” instead of potatoes.
Do this every now and again. Feel slightly surprised as the word comes out of your mouth.
12. Make a mockery of a serious mental health issue by telling people you have “OCD” because you like to wash your hands.
13. Be really, really desperate to get a table seat on the train.
One way you could do this would be to hurry down the aisle doing loud breathing and say “get a table, get a table.”
14. Write your own wedding vows.
“...and we promise to affirm each other’s souls... etc”
15. Register extreme surprise when someone hasn’t seen Star Wars.
Ignore your heart, which has hardened itself against Star Wars forever.
16. Wryly use the phrase “had a moment”.
If you can use “had a little moment”, so much the better.
17. Read Malcolm Gladwell books.
Repeat that fact about children needing to practice the violin for a trillion hours if they want to be any good.
18. Call pigeons “flying rats”, call squirrels “rats with tails”.
Maybe just say all the things you don’t like are like rats. You could call your pen “a rat with no ink in it” when it runs out of ink, or call the EU a “great big rat with loads of tables and chairs all around it” as part of an intellectually quite shaky debate in the pub (which you allow to ruin the evening).
19. Say “rocked up” to mean 'arrive'.
Then your day-to-day comings and goings fall under the category of “general banter”.
20. Discuss male/female pain thresholds.
This is a rich and giving vein of conversation.
21. Say “it’s gotta be done”, about lots of things that most definitely do not have to be done.
by Vivian Raisins @a_Raisins