So those witty guys over at Complex magazine have compiled a super helpful list of stuff post-coital stuff women do that just isn’t up to scratch. And ladies, there are plenty of criticisms to go round. According to Complex, from a man’s perfect rendezvous the following are outright banned from the bedroom after sex – laughing, snacking, going for a wee, still existing when he opens his eyes (‘she shouldn’t have to wait for a cue to leave - but if she needs one, the cue is when you wake up’. Nice.) And God forbid you should get the morning-after pill, or as they so succinctly put it: ‘Run out to buy Plan B’. Yeah, we should be thinking of you and your wallet when we feel for whatever reason we need ‘Plan B’. Not about the chance of, y’know, 'getting up the duff' as you might say. Soz, guys.
Anyhow, we decided that since Complex were so kind to list our faults online, we’d make our own list – of all the Awkward Things men do after sex. Feel free to add to the list below.
During? Fine. After? Awks. Because there’s no better way to make a gal feel cheap than rave on about her genitals in the cold harsh light of day.
'That was really special...'
Anything along the lines of, ‘That was really special,’ can do one. Because at the end of the day, we don’t pick life-partners based on the number of orgasms reached. We both had a great time, let’s not get all icky about it.
Cuddling, spooning and nuzzling change you from bona fide love hunk to weedy and needy in seconds.
Oh, OK. Usually it's better. Thanks.
SURE you’ve lasted for hours before. But if it wasn’t with us we're just not interested.
Pat, Roll, Snore.
It’s not like we want to cuddle or anything (see above). But a) patting – shortcode for patronising, b) thanks anyway but we do not want to stare at your freckly, hairy back and c) If you’re going to make that racket, GO HOME.
'How was that for you?/Did you come?/How many times did you come?’
Do you really want an honest answer? HINT: we can guarantee it wasn’t plural if you need to ask this question.
‘How many men have you slept with?’
Soz, did you want my life story too?
There’s a bin right there. But, oh, yeah. Just leave the condom on my bedroom floor. NICE ONE.
You could have reached that extra foot and put it in the bin or, God forbid, walked over to it. But let’s go for the lazy/unhygienic/pretty fricking gross option of leaving it on the floor. Hopefully you’ll step on it on the way out.
Morning glory? Not with that breath, ducky.
Just brush your teeth first, have a shower. Also, it freaks us out that you don’t care that we haven’t brushed either. GET AWAY.
We don’t care if you made up it’s your mum texting. Just put the phone down for TWO MINUTES, YEAH?
Sure, we probably have more interesting people to speak to than you. We're just more polite. And not as irritating as you.
… And while you’re at it, don’t bother calling me a taxi.
Thanks all the same, but we’d prefer it if you weren’t so massively freaking rude.
It’s OK, I didn’t really want an orgasm this time. As long as you’re sorted…
Selfish sex: the worst kind. And yes, we’ll probably tell our friends.
Put. It. Away.
We’ve seen it. It’s very nice, honestly. But enough now – the deed is done. Just put some pants on.
‘Nuff said. No-one wants to be in it. But at least try to be a gent.
Bikini line? Not your problem, sunshine.
Unless we're your girlfriend and you're particularly unkempt, we're probably not going to say anything about the grossness of your hairy balls. Therefore, we'd appreciate it if you keep your bikini line thoughts to yourself too. Don't like it? We don't care. Someone else will.
Going on. And on. And on.
Once we’ve reached that ‘special point’, it’s over for us. Any further ‘moves’ up your sleeves are entirely wasted. Longevity impresses no-one once you’ve got a chafe on.
By Zoe Beaty and Jessica Commons