31 December 2012 by

11 Ways To Ensure You Have A Middle Class New Year!

Another New Year's Eve, another minefield of social nuance and celebratory etiquette to carefully step around. For some of us, hosting New Year’s Eve involves a party of raucous proportions; for others, it involves sherry and dinner in the form of seven vol au vents. To avoid any unnecessary panic, we asked the great minds behind The Art of being Middle Class how to keep your December 31st reassuringly middle class.

1. The cut-off age for queuing outside nightclubs on NYE is 29.

Yes, even if you’re mate’s mate is DJing.

2. On no account host your own party though...

Unless it's a family party in which case give family members 'tasks'. There is no better ice breaker than a nine year old with a bowl of toothpicked sausages.

3. If New Year at your local pub is looking like the only option...

...remember the mantra: “It was soooo easy. Great atmosphere and a really eclectic crowd”.

4. If the prospect of a dinner party in East Sheen is losing its appeal, unlucky, there’s no pulling out now.

Unless you have kids. In which case, Lola’s got a temperature. Done.

5. If you ARE hosting a party, make sure you pop an invitation through the neighbours letterbox on either side.

Don’t worry, Steve and Angela won’t come.

6. Served as an amuse bouche before the cheeseboard...

...Vodka sorbet is the acceptable face of doing shots over 32.

7. Keep an eye out for double dippers around the tzatsiki and bread sticks.

It’s quite simple a norovirus accident waiting to happen.

8. With house parties, there’s no clearer way of saying I bought this five minutes ago in the newsagent around the corner than 2 bottles of Campo Viejo.

(Good idea to take the Londis price sticker off too).

9. If you do splash out on a proper bottle

It's a good idea to wedge it behind the radiator in the downstairs loo lest it ends up 'on the table'

10. Pre-booking a cab doesn’t mean you’re dull...

It simple means you don’t want to shout out your postcode three times to a man from Diamond Cars while dancing to Billie Jean, before lurking in the hallway till 3am.

11. If you’ve decided to stay in, make sure you tell everyone you know beforehand.

Then it becomes a cultural statement of self-empowerment and not just an evening on the sofa watching Graham Norton.

The Art of being Middle Class by NotActualSize is out now.

www.middleclasshandbook.co.uk

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Dorothy Bartlett (Mon Dec 31 21:34:20 GMT 2012): Note...... lol