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Remember when stories used to have happy endings? It seems someone forgot to tell The Real Housewives of New Jersey this - because the last season ended with with a room full of women screaming “scum” at each other and trying to tear each other’s (frighteningly big) hair out.
Yes, these ladies love good old barney. Season 4’s fall out all started when original housewife Teresa Giudice accused her sister in law Melissa Gorge of being, as Tina Turner would say, a private dancer.
Teresa also - depending on who you believe - got Melissa’s ex boss at said ‘dancing’ club to conveniently appear and great her enthusiastically in front of all her friends, so they all found out her secret history. Nicely done, Teresa. Oh yeah - except another of the wives, Jacqueline, blabbed that it was a set up and now everyone hates you. Backfired, much?
After all, who cares that Melissa was once worked in a strip club? (What’s that, Melissa? It was actually a ‘bikini bar’? Well, that’s a totally different kettle of fish entirely.)
Still, we’re sure they’ll have made up by the time the new series starts this week, right? Ahem.
In fact, when season five premieres on Lifetime tomorrow night, Teresa and Melissa haven’t spoken for a whole year. Teresa’s brother Joe has taken his wife’s side, meaning there’s a massive family rift, too. Although happily for us, as soon as the cameras start rolling again, they all conveniently start bumping into each other.
Their first meeting is prompted when their daughters (children are frequently the voice of reason in this show) say they miss each other, and their mums agree to meet up for a playdate at a bracelet making shop. The truce doesn’t last long though as, amazingly, they even manage to argue about children’s bracelets.
Meanwhile chief busybody Caroline “I tell it like it is” Manzo selflessly takes it upon herself to try and arrange a reconciliation, while Jacqueline rolls her eyes with boredom at the whole thing (conveniently forgetting her role as chief stirrer at the end of the last season).
This season’s premiere also sees the housewives responding to the devastation left by Hurricane Sandy in New Jersey. Sample reaction: “Thank goodness this is only my second home”.
If you haven’t watched before - now’s the time to start. This isn’t one of P-Diddy’s favourite TV show for nothing, you know.
The all new series 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey lands first on Lifetime (Sky 156 and Virgin 242) from April 22 at 9pm