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With their multi-million dollar homes, designer wardrobes and expensively coifed hair, the lives of the Real Housewives of New Jersey don't have a whole lot in common with ours. But we’ve got a few ways you can make yourself a little more ‘Housewife’. And we’re not talking about doing the ironing…
1. Get yourself a life motto
All the housewives have them. Melissa’s is short and to the point. ‘Sexy life, loyal wife.’ Caroline’s is the old favourite - ‘I always tell it like it is’. Teresa is trying desperately to convince us she’s actually a nice person with ‘Haters gonna hate, but I just love, love, love.’ And Kathy has just stolen someone else’ (‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of my kitchen) and hopes no one will notice.
2. It's fine to make up words
In one of tonight’s episode, Teresa and Melissa have (another) fight - this time about how long it took Melissa to visit her father in law (i.e Teresa’s own Dad) in hospital. "I'm not interrogizing you," Teresa shouts. Yep, that's a hybrid of interrogating and antagonizing. At least we think it is.
3. Don’t even think about going to the gym…
…unless you’re wearing a full face of make up. Or have just had a blow dry. And a spray tan. And in Teresa’s case, are wearing a diamante encrusted baseball cap. In RHONJ, a lot of action happens around the treadmill - so these ladies are always prepared.
4. Fall out with someone, preferably a family member.
The housewives know that a sure-fire way to be at the centre of the action is have a spat with a sibling. So Caroline isn’t speaking to sister Dina. Joe isn’t speaking to his sister Teresa. Teresa isn’t speaking to sister-in-law Melissa. Kathy isn’t speaking to her cousin…Teresa. Teresa’s mum isn’t speaking to Kathy’s dad. Confused? Us too.
5. There’s no such thing as a low key birthday party
We remember our 12th birthday party (just). There were eight friends, a Robin Hood Prince of Thieves VHS and a plate of fondant fancies. And that did us just fine. But in tonight’s episode, when Teresa’s daughter Gia turns 12, she has a party with 100 guests. ONE HUNDRED. FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD.
Watch the all new series 5 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey first on Lifetime (Sky 156 and Virgin 242) every Tuesday at 9pm