04 January 2010

Talking Point: Our celeb BB wishlist

vinnie jones

It’s the last Celeb BB ever. It’s our first day back at work. We’re desperate for some distraction from the January gloom. In fact, the Grazia office is rippling with rumours about what might happen during the four-week run. If we’re really lucky, the show will go something like this…

- Alex Reid and Dane Bowers will immediately forget they’re contractually bound to pretend Dane was assaulted by ‘unknown men’ after Jordan’s party, and start pulling each other’s hair again.

- Katie Price will break into the house and swap cross-dressing Alex’s suitcase for his alter-ego Roxy’s, in the hope of launching another woeful fashion line full of leopard-print thongs.

- Mr Thong Song himself, Sisqo, will write another hit tune about it. This will be entertaining for about three seconds.

- Stephen Baldwin will do all of Heidi Fleiss’s chores and smile politely at all her jokes, and keep his fingers tightly crossed that the former Hollywood pimp doesn’t mention how they used to know each other. 

- Heidi’s face will fail to register any emotion whatsoever.

- Ekaterina’s new-found Sloane Square accent will be blown apart when cameras catch her sleep-talking in Russian. Or Kazakstani. Or something like that.

- When we shout at the TV from the comfort of our sofas, Basshunter, aka Swedish DJ and Tourettes’ sufferer Jonas Altberg, will echo us on-screen.

- Stephanie Beacham will be adopted by Karl Lagerfeld and by S/S '10, we’ll all be swooshing about in the manner of soap opera villains.

- Street urchin rapper Lady Sov will be adopted by Angelina.

- Vinnie Jones will be upset by Lady Sov’s rise to Hollywood royalty, and will burst into tears. Then he’ll push all the ‘celebs’ back into the mini for a re-run of their first challenge before blowing it up.

- Kate Faithfull


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