We need to talk about this weekend’s X-Factor. But where to start? Well, how about our biggest fashion bugbear of the year so far – what is going on with the male contestants’ gap-year jewellery? A rosary bead here, a hairy chest with layer upon layer of necklace there, a my-mate-went-surfing-on-Bondai-Beach-and-all-I-got-was-this-hideous-thong necklace everywhere. Why? Do they think it looks creative? Please stop.

Secondly, evil twins John and Edward. Louis claimed he put them through to the live shows – despite their awful audition – because ‘people will like them’. Given that Simon Cowell described them as ‘incredibly annoying’ and Ronan Keating told Louis he was ‘mad’ for including them, we’re wondering: which people like them, Louis, which people?

Finally, Simon Cowell. So we were wondering: why – when Simon has the likes of Oprah and Jennifer Aniston sending him video messages of congratulations for his birthday – why does he always go for Sinitta as judging partner? And then Sinitta appears naked but for a few strategically placed palm leaves. Not the classiest move ever, perhaps, but kind of funny. Kind of. And anyway, it made us think – Simon Cowell must be quite a nice chap to not pull the Kate Moss/Naomi Campbell shaped-trump card and stick with his old flame Sinitta as co-judge. It's lovely, really.

Even better, while Dannii and Cheryl announced their final threes while sitting on sofas opposite the contestants (leading to some quite inappropriate bum-to-the-camera, squash-the-tiny-mentor hugging), Simon Cowell sat on a chair on a raised platform in the shade, overlooking the poor hopefuls as they stood in the sun, blinking up at him, awaiting his judgement. He looked like a Roman Emperor pondering whether to send Christians to the lions. Which was hilarious. And now, we kind of fancy him.