25 March 2009

The Apprentice Bingo Card!

Decided on your take-away already? Glass of white wine at the ready? Then all you need before the start of The Apprentice tonight (aka the only reality show it's acceptable for us to adore without irony!) is our Bingo card! Score a point for each time you spot one of the following. Eyes down, pens at the ready – Suralan will see you now...  

An Eton/Oxbridge trust funder claims he's ‘fought hard to get where he is today'.

Contestant describes themselves as a ‘global strategist'. They've visited the Isle of Wight on business once.

Suralan talks about the recession and how much harder contestants will have to work this year. (Then shot cuts to their swanky new pad).

Contestant does a half-hearted dinosaur impression, reasoning that the strategy worked out well for Lee last year.

Someone calls a ‘meeting' a ‘decision-oriented brainstorm forum'.

Contestants adopt team name that sounds like a parochial nightclub or the latest in blade technology from Gillette.

Contestants seem never to have seen The Apprentice before, making the classic ‘forgetting to make money' mistake in the task.

Camera pans majestically across The City, light glinting off the Gherkin as evening falls. The fact that Sir Alan's real office is in Essex and the boardroom is a West London TV studio is glossed over.

One contestant winks at Sir Alan's silent receptionist, Frances. The others totally ignore her.

The men accuse the women of using their ‘feminine wiles' in the task.

Margaret raises eyebrows so high they disappear under her fringe.

Nick lowers his eyebrows and purses his lips in exasperation.

Tears flow in the boardroom.

Suralan tells the losing team their performance was a ‘blaady disaaaaaster'

Plus, one bonus point for spotting any of these crimes against fashion: natty neckerchief, clogged mascara, ill-fitting trousers, satin shirt collar puckering under suit jacket, over-sized '70s-style tie.

 

- Hannah Marriott


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