The Fash Bride: Who needs a bridal bikini, anyway?

15 September 2011

grazia fash bride

It all started with 'The Favours'. Within days of getting engaged, there were a zillion wedding-related questions to answer - 'Who are you marrying, again?' being my favourite. One slightly more practical, but no less mystifying question, was 'What are you doing for 'The Favours'? which was a bit of an issue as I genuinely didn't know what 'The Favours' were. I thought that maybe it was some odd tradition where you did people actual favours; lent them a fiver, introduced them to someone fun, Sky Plussed X Factor for them. But no; after one conversation where I admitted I didn't know what 'The Favours' were, someone explained to me: they're that little cardboard box waiting for you at the dinner table filled with approx. three jellybabies which no one eats. Aha! So THAT'S what 'The Favours' are!

Which made me think: there might be a few things I could probably do without at my wedding.

Not that giving people sweets is a bad thing; I've certainly eaten my fair share at weddings, and very nice they were too. It's just that for me, I reckon they're probably a bit unnecessary. (Note to anyone coming to my wedding: don't worry. You'll get more booze instead.)

The Favours, however, are nowhere near as unnecessary as some of these things which have caught my eye recently...

bridal trainers sneakers

1) Bridal trainers
They're satin! They're white! They're...trainers! Yes, Paris-based shoe company Vouelle are selling Bridal Sneakers, because, in their words, 'Alot of brides buy them to wear on the morning of their wedding, when they're getting their hair done and they're wearing their white Juicy sweatpants." Obviously there is ALOT wrong with that sentence (hello, white Juicy sweatpants), but mainly: ? Is anyone actually doing this? If you have evidence, do get in touch...

kate beckinsale bridal bikini

2) Bridal bikinis
Repeat offenders, these first became 'a thing' when Kate Beckinsale wore a white bikini with the words 'Mrs Wiseman' embroidered on bottom during her honeymoon with husband Len [above]. And just when you thought they'd been left in 2006, up pops Kim Kardashian in her own 'Mrs Humphries' version this weekend. See also: Flip flops that leave the words 'Just Married' in the sand. Just NO.

3) Bridal make-up bags
White, sparkly and specially to keep your wedding day makeup kit in. What's wrong with my two-year-old-slightly-grubby Marc by Marc one? Oh, OK...

4) Bridal Emergency Kit
Quite a few wedding blogs recommend that you have an 'emergency kit' on the day - and yes, now you can buy them ready-made (in a white satin and diamante bag, obvs.) A selection of 'essentials'; they include a spare pair of tights, dental floss and a nail file. If anyone finds me on my own wedding day, alone in a corner, frantically filing my nails, then please intervene. Thanks.

Lesson to be learned? if you can turn it white and sparkly, then brides will buy it. Ker-CHING.


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