Question: what are you doing next Monday? Answer: you are doing this: running to the nearest DVD outlet and purchasing ‘William & Kate’, the almost certainly devoid-of-fact biopic of Kate and William’s relationship, which is released on DVD in the UK next Monday. Partly because we’re utterly demented with wedding fever, partly because this movie is camper than Christmas at Grazia Towers and partly because it has a looser grasp on reality than Charlie Sheen, this film is now Grazia Daily’s favourite thing ever, ever. We cannot urge you strongly enough: you have to see it.
Set in the UK but filmed entirely in LA (a fact you can completely see through; it’s way too clean), disbelief has to be suspended from the get-go. Everyone at St Andrews is clearly approaching 30, English accents vary from Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Emma’ to that girl from ’Saved by the Bell: The College Years’, and the sight of Wills winning Kate back by doing karaoke? However much we try to wish this into existence, we’re pretty certain it never ACTUALLY happened.
Dividing their time between writing with pens (laptops being outlawed in Scotland until 2008) and chilling out in a bar which is an exact replica of the Irish dancing scene in ‘Titanic’, Wills and Kate move into the most spacious and tidy student flat known to man, and after about 40 minutes get together. And then they split up. And then they get together! And then they split up. And THEN they get together again. In many ways, we had no idea they were so interesting.
What else did we learn? Well, Kate’s job at Jigsaw was, like, the best job in fashion ever. ‘You’re so beautiful… And you have your great job at Jigsaw’ says Carole to Kate. Well, Grazia Daily has friends who work as assistant buyers and their days revolve around Excel spreadsheets and missing care labels. But not Kate! Evidently wowed by her ahead-of-its-time fashion prowess (were we really wearing tribal prints in 2006?) she climbs up the notoriously slippery fashion ladder with ease, her sole piece of styling advice - seemingly stolen from Nicky Hambleton-Jones (‘too much blue! Lets add a pop of colour and a funky necklace’) not even appearing to put anyone off. And ALL of this in spite of her treating the job as if it were a mere inconvenience (‘Are you busy?' Wills asks on the phone. ‘No’ she replies, ‘I’m just at work’. 'Great! Meet me at Windsor in an hour!’).
Harry is woefully underused, only appearing in one scene and with a single line to boot (‘I just want to get to Sandhurst and do something that matters’). He is, however, completely brillz. Most of the royal family remain uncast, disappointingly, apart from a bumbling Charles who Kate wins over by displaying her hitherto unknown expertise in the field of organic faming. The Middleton clan; Carole, Michael, James and Pippa Middleton are ace, though we would have liked to have seen more evidence of party supplies, and can’t help feeling that the part of Carole should really have gone to Joan Collins.
So, after breaking up seven times, swimming through a lake and having a row in a car, William and Kate jet off to Kenya where, in front of a superimposed sunset, Wills gets down on one knee. Awwww! And there we leave them until, presumably, the sequel. Basically, as 90 minutes of escapism go, you’ll be hard pushed to beat ’William & Kate’. The actual wedding day now has a lot to live up to.
- Alex Butt