It’s the Royal Wedding Bonkers News Update!

31 January 2011

This, we did NOT see coming: a company called 'Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction' has launched a commemorative condom to celebrate the Royal (ahem) union on April 29th, featuring a picture of Kate and Wills on the front of the pack. A spokesperson for the company said that 'Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir prophylactics are a unique way to remember this great British occasion. All at Crown Jewels have worked tirelessly to craft these heirloom quality love sheaths. In years to come, they will be a timeless memento of a magical wedding day.'

Now, while you digest that, let us tell you the three things that struck Grazia Daily about the above statement. 1 and 2; the phrases 'heirloom quality love sheaths' and 'souvenir prophylactics', and 3; the suggestion that the aforementioned latex memento might be kept for 'years to come'. Actually. Beyond. Words. Needless to say, Buckingham Palace has so far issued no comment. 

On a more savoury note, details have begun to emerge about the guestlist over the past week (you understand that when we say ‘details’ what we really mean is ‘speculation’, right?). Europe’s royals have reportedly been told to keep the 29th April free, and to stand by their fax machines awaiting further instruction. No, seriously; by their FAX machines. Apparently, this wedding is bringing back memories of 1981 in more ways than one.

According to A Source (him/her again), the guestlist MAY include none other than russet-haired royal castaway Sarah, Duchess of York (aka Fergie). Mr. or Ms. Source reveals that ‘the invitations are being sent out next month and the list is almost finalised. Sarah’s invitation was at William’s insistence’ because ‘William recognises that she is the mother of Beatrice and Eugenie and still close to his uncle Andrew’. They add that ‘William also knows that Sarah was a good friend of his mother Diana and, even though they fell out before her death, they shared a lot over the years.’ Grazia Daily will be VERY surprised if this actually comes to fruition, though we will readily admit to having rather a soft spot for the woman who introduced us to the phrase 'yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery but today is a gift'. Poetic, innit? 

Meanwhile, TV channels across the globe (mainly in America, obvs) have also started to get in on the wedding action, with Lifetime announcing that they are producing a biopic of the couple’s nine-year courtship called (wait for it) ‘William & Kate’. Apparently, the handsome Nico Evers-Swindell [above] is being lined up to play the equally dishy Prince William, though the role of Kate remains uncast. Any suggestions, Grazia Daily readers? The normally sensible BBC have also opted ‘in’ with BBC America announcing plans for  documentary series entitled ‘Royally Mad’, hosted by Sutton Coldfield’s finest Cat Deeley, and featuring (we hope) brilliant people who are EVEN more obsessed with royal weddings than we are.  

Finally, the past few days have seen speculation mount over what the newlyweds will mange at their wedding breakfast. Unlike Diana and Charles who managed to get through an impressive, if a little excessive, 27 cakes, a former royal chef has predicted that this wedding will be a more modest affair in keeping with William and Kate’s relaxed approach to the shenanigans. Darren McGrady, who prepared a feast of gilded swan strawberries and cream for Andrew and Fergie back in 1986, as well as cooking for Prince William when he was a child, predicts that cottage pie is likely to be on the menu as it was William’s ‘all time favourite’ dish. But hang on a wedding-plannin' minute - this must have been when he was, like, SEVEN, right? What's for afters, butterscotch Angel Delight? 


Next week, you can join us on our continued journey into wedded abyss with our new column ‘literally EVERYBODY'S got an opinion’.

- Alex Butt


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